Everyone has needs, and they're all different.

I am an introvert. I need a certain number of hours in my day when I am alone, or very nearly so. Under normal circumstances, I spend my evenings with Astasia, which is like being alone because she feels like a part of me, and she doesn't suck out my life force like some kind of vampire. If anything, she contributes to my energy levels.

Left to my own devices I am a solitary, stoic, sarcastic individual who has a hard time expressing things like affection, and being nice to people on a regular basis is the sort of thing I can do provided I have enough time in my day to take care of myself. I am not a social butterfly, I am not gregarious.

Astasia, on the other hand, is soft, and warm, and expresses her feelings, and when I'm around her, I become more like that. I experience joy and excitement, or maybe peace, perhaps an overwhelming sense of any emotion at all. Her influence on me is to put me in touch with how I feel, and make me comfortable to allow those feelings to be apparent.

Lately, I leave the house before Astasia wakes up and arrive home after she's gone to bed. This is necessary due to a combination of my course load and hellish commute. The immediate consequence is that I am cranky, have a headache, have lost productivity, and I don't feel like being nice to people. I feel like being an asshole.

Did I used to be an asshole, before I met Astasia? Maybe I did. I never thought of myself that way, but I guess assholes generally don't.

The longer I'm away from my girl, the more I feel like smirking at all the kids I have to be in school with, blowing off my homework, and ignoring my professors. I feel like sitting in the back of class and carving my name in the desk. I feel like telling the connecticut redneck just what an irritating fuck he really is.

Tonight I go home a little bit early. My soul needs some patching up, and there's only one person who can do it.

My studio will have to wait.


  1. Why is it that being in love sucks at the same time as it is wonderful?

    I will never figure that one out, the pain-joy relationship nature of love, that is.

    ** Lorena

  2. Ideally, the joy should outweigh the pain. So far for me, the pain only comes with separation, so I keep her on a short leash. ;)

  3. I re-read this post this morning. And it makes me love you and miss you all the more.