Okay, yes. I have been absent. And yes, I have had a heavy workload at school, which is only likely to increase until the semester's end.

But if I was going to be very honest, the truth is I have been on Tumblr. And it's not that I love Tumblr more than you, it's that I haven't had the mental stamina to do anything more complicated than click "<3" on photographs of naked women.

Scouring the internet for photos has brought me to Jiz Lee.

Jiz is a gender queer porn star. I know that Astasia has written about Jiz. We are both crushing pretty hard, but I think for very different reasons.

I want to be Jiz. Which is not to say I want to be a porn star, because I don't. Well maybe a little, but not really. I think what's remarkable about Jiz is that they manage to be so very androgynous, so very contrary to what our society tells us we need to be in order to be attractive, and yet so very fucking hot. So unbelievably magnetic.

I never really felt like a woman. And I didn't want to look or act like one. And I didn't want to become a man either. I lived in this ambiguous middle place, where I could be attractive, but only at the expense of my own truthfulness. It had never occurred to me that the way I felt about my gender expression was an actual thing, with a name, and a niche, and porn stars, and I could be that way and feel sexy on my own terms.

It feels significant to me, to feeling okay about who I am.

I got a very short haircut, and I look like myself again. It feels so good, and right. Astasia thinks I look hot this way. Just the way I am.

Sometimes putting a name on something is a way of limiting it, but in this case, I think it has given me a type of freedom. Room to breath. Language for my feelings.

Anyways, for photos of androgynous individuals, my tumblr is Androgynish. Sometimes NSFW.

1 comment:

  1. Very interesting, how we feel free on day, just to discover the next day that there are freer places to go.

    I don't know when I'm going to stop, but everyday I figure out that there is something I'm afraid of.

    Good for you!